Time is passing. I am doing my work, trying to live normally.
Doing my job, studying, giving my exams, hanging out with my friends.
But in the middle of it all, there are lots of tears, lots of cries, prays, and I am trying desperately to make my heart heal.
I’ve never thought something like this would ever happen.
I came to terms with death, that it has to happen one day but not able to accept the terms of loss.
We talk endlessly about broken hearts but then, What about that mind? What happens to it? Does it heal like a heart too?
What about the mind that changes forever?
The mind that doesn’t even allow me to think about him but still behaves a certain way only because of what I had been through.
Losing someone due to an illness or any cause is one thing but watching a person daily, doing normal things in a normal way, and then one day all of a sudden saying goodbyes?
I still wonder, How?
This whole thing has given me permanent mental health issues that I live with daily — whether I think about him or not.
The heart gets better, but the mind?
The mind has changed completely.
Maybe because it probably hurt me too much.
Ummm… it’s definitely that.
Every day when I go to sleep I imagine myself sitting next to him, talking to him, sharing things, and then hugging him like I used to. I am a grown-up, smart enough to understand and recognize the signs of anxiety in me and the pain of just imagining but not been able to do all of it in real.
I try to be strong but I know I’m not. Even if I say it to myself or to anyone else, I know how vulnerable and fearful I feel which I believe with time would get better.
IT HAS TO!
For those of you who might be guessing, this was about my father who left us last year. Since then just like any other normal day I am missing him today as well and thought to pen down a few of my emotions or about the state in which I find myself mostly now.
I started writing this entire piece on 5th May, his birthday, and it’s the next day already. So before it’s next to the next day, I think I should end this right here. but with a few lines for him from my heart.
“You may be gone, but I know you’re near.
In my heart, where I hold you so dear.
My only hope is that in peace you always rest.
I miss you and I bet you guessed.
You’ll rise again, in this I trust.
I’ll see you soon, it’s a must.”